Date:	2005-10-31 22:01
Subject:	The Big Freaky Night
Security:	Public
Mood:	busy
Music:	Dido ~ White Flag

Ok, I am sorry that I never update it's just that things seem to be really busy and I am just stressed. Stressed out beyond belief. It's a little bit better this week now that mid terms are over but who's to say that things won't start up again next week. I am at the moment trying to make up for my week long absence from the gym although it seems a little hard to get back in the saddle. I felt like I could barely do anything tonight however, when I weighed myself I found out that I lost three pounds which is a hooray for me. I need to loose the weight desperatly. I am at the moment doing a rush job on my reading for all of my classes which I need to catch up on and I haven't got anything back about my tests. Hopefully I did alright although it may be pointless because although I have tried and I have studied my ass off I just don't feel like I did a very good job at all and that upsets me. I want to do a good job. I want to get good grades and I want to try harder!!

I did talk to my councilor the other day he asked me if I was going on to graduate school and I told him no. I just don't have the money to educate myself for that long. I need a job before I can continue on with classes. I am however, planning to take more college classes while I work if I can manage it. I also want to spend more time at the humane society mostly right now because I feel really bad about not being able to go and help out at least one time this year. It's just like my body is a like a timer and it keeps on going off every five minutes. Anyway, so I will be taking classes that I think I need to get a better job. Mostly business and maybe a couple of other things. Oh, now that I am thinking about it--my step father has quite possibly found me a internship at his work. It pays ten dollars and hour and I mostly do the grunt work that nobody wants to do. Which should be fine because it's a computer company and not only could I use the experiance but it will look great on my resume.

Other than that, the only thing that is coming up that I am really excited for is my birthday which is this weekend. Twenty Two to be exact and for some odd reason I am really really excited about my birthday this year--who knows why but I am going with the flow. I just hope that I can get enough work done a head of time so I can go out and do a couple of things.

Ah, well nothing else is happening and I am getting pooped out so I am going to go study and crash. I feel like I desperatly need the sleep!!

Date:	2005-10-02 14:07
Subject:	Blissful Moments
Security:	Public
Mood:	cheerful
Music:	After the Rain has Fallen ~ Sting

I was sitting at the table in the living room this morning working on homework when I realized how much I liked my room. Finally, most of the stuff that is in my living area is mine. My blankets cover the couch, my book shelves make the place lively, my pictures adorn the walls and make the place look more lived in. Plus there I have my dryer in the bathroom, a place for all my cooking supplies, a shower with shampoos and a towel, I can actually feel comfortable to leave my tooth brush and toothpaste out on the bathroom counter. Technically, my suite is MY very own suite. It's the closest thing I have to an apartment and the fact that I love spending time here is wonderful. I feel extremely comfortable leaving things on the table and going out to get food and know everything will be the same.

My bed room well that's another matter. It's more mine in some ways and less in others because I am sharing. Actually sleeping on the top bunk isn't that bad, in fact, I get a lot more privacy. It's the getting up in the morning that is a real problem. I keep on thinking that one day I'll lose my footing trying to get down and hurt myself. I would like to have more space to put my stuff but it is a small room and I have to learn to share. Not that it should ever be a problem for me!!

I just think feeling this way really hit home when I woke up this morning. I just said to myself I want to wear a sweater so I put one on. It's a big deal in my world because I don't normally wear sweaters especially form fitting ones plus my mother got it for me and well, I've never been big on the sweaters my mother gives me. It's gray, pretty simple design but I like it. I went out in the other room and dried my hair and thought, Hey I look pretty good. I ate breakfast, which was looking forward to all week because it was cereal. I love cereal. I did actually start working on homework but during the middle of it I got up and went over to the couch and sat down. I must have stared out the windows for fifteen minuets before I opened it. I was fairly cold outside because it rained yesterday. The sky was dreary, the wind was blowing and leaves were falling in the park below. I felt good, I felt wonderful and the world looked magnificent. Then I just started thinking--about fall and how I wanted to do tons of traditional things like decorating the room, making cider, going for walks, and wearing warm clothes. I literally felt like I was home. Then there was the idea of christmas with all the decorations, the presents, the cooking, the warmth, the smell, and most of all the love.

You know what, its moments like this feeling like I have everything and that I could make my life and other lives so much better that makes me feel on top of the world. I love the idea of caring for someone special but I also love the idea of starting my own new life where I am alone but very much courageous. And honestly, I felt courageous. That's why I closed the window and went back to studying for class.

I did still think about how nice it would be to make hot chocolate but I'll leave that for another time when I really need it.

Date:	2005-07-07 16:57
Subject:	Meandering
Security:	Public
Mood:	listless
Music:	Haunted ~ Evanescene

Wow, its been so long since I have written in here. I feel bad now. I normally write more often I guess I sort of forgot. Anyway, I have been thinking about it and I am not really sure if I want to do this or not but I think I should just stop writing in here. Granted it is more safe than the other places I write in but I haven't written for so long.

As for how everything is going well, I feel like I haven't been doing anything to write home about. Just being mediocre. I'm talking summer classes and when I am not at class I am sitting around my house just hoping that something good will just hit me. So much for that happening!!

No really, it just seems like everybody has so much to do and so much to achieve where as I am sitting her reading or writing waiting for something to happen. Which actually has me bord out of my wits but I don't really know to do anything out of the ordinary.

So is life. . . .

It seems this week and last week and the week before has just been some constant misery right now. I want to be happy, I really do but I--I just don't know what to do with myself. Question, do you know how you feel all the time? Are you sure of all your feelings? Because I never really am sure. I know that sounds rediculous but right now all I can think about is everything else that is going on right now. It's like the last thing I want to think about is myself.

For instance, my friend Crystal wrote a nasty letter to me the other day about me never calling her and I know I should be upset because hey, it's a nasty letter about me! But I am not. I just feel like a really bad friend because technically I have been avoiding a lot of people lately. Of course, most of it is due to homework but then again I am not so sure about that either.

Anyway, my time here is short because I will have to go to class soon so I want to get as much feeling in here while I can. To make it short, here is a list:

1. Crystal (The name just says it all)

2. Intaglio (I work my butt off in this class and I am never satisfied. I just hope in the end I get a good grade.)

3. This damn cold! (I am really, really, really tired of being sick!!)

4. My weight (Yes, I know you were just waiting to hear this one yet again!! But the there are a lot of things connected with this particular problem like clothes, my health, depression, appearances, and mostly it's that little voice in the back of my head which tells me that my mother is right.)

5. Myself (there is a lot of questioning about myself right now on why I am so weird. Now don't give me that crap!! I know I am weird, I mean I can't even write an entry as coherently as everybody else can!)


Ok, I am not finished, so obviously I am going to have to come back and write more later. I NEED to go to class!!!

Date:	2005-05-16 21:09
Subject:	Leave a message
Security:	Public
Mood:	crappy
Music:	Good Rain ~ Oregon Trail Band

Can I just find a dark corner for a while and mope? Just give me a week. . .and then I'll get back to you.

Date:	2005-05-14 23:43
Subject:	Long awaited insainess
Security:	Public
Mood:	frustrated
Music:	We Just Got Here ~ Carly Simon

I know it has been a while but I guess I needed a while to get work done and get my thoughts in order. It's just that there has been a lot going on--or at least it seems that way to me.

I was sick for a while (I think I have butchered that line), I still have small symptoms but for the most part I am feeling better. My throat just feels dry at night and my ears feel all weird, too. Don't ask me to describe it because I don't think I could.

There was lots of homework for a while but slowly it seems to be depleating, that and because I made some serious alterations about my homework situation. There is less of putting things off and more of getting my act together. In fact, the whole studying thing has coinsided with other things, too. Like keeping my room organized, limiting my tv watching habits, amazingly enough some of my food habits (although that doesn't mean I am getting better about loosing weight), and picking up after everybody else. So I think thats a good thing.

Um, then there is my little problems I keep having lately. I don't know why but I feel so abnoxious lately. Not literally but mentally I keep on wanting to kick myself. Ok, obviously I need to explain myself better. Well it all boils down to me being more attentive about all of the things that irritate me about my room mates. I am sure they have their issues with me but for the most part they haven't said anything, which I think is a little odd on their part. I wish they would say something.

I would never say anything myself because the things that bother me are not that huge of a deal and besides I think I just like going and looking for faults in people after a while. I think its that whole skepticism side of me, and boy has it been coming out a lot lately. It's like tonight, when I was studying or at least trying and Yen was watching her program and eating apples. It was just the sound of her eating that irritated the hell out of me. Which just led me to believe that either I needed to study in another room or that I needed a break from homework. I did solve the problem but it's just those little things that make me want to smack myself. I just don't think I should be so paraniod about these things.

However, on another note, it seems like everything that I have been doing is making me go nuts too. I am not sure if I have a real good handle on how I feel or what I should be doing lately. I just keep on making bad mistakes like watching Gilmore Girls instead of studying and that in itself is driving me insain. I feel like I need to just be alone, away from everybody else so I can cure myself from whatever that is bothering me lately. Which I think is everything at the moment.

I should go and get some sleep because I know sleep always makes me feel a little bit better.

Date:	2005-05-02 22:48
Subject:	A Better Day
Security:	Public
Mood:	drained
Music:	She will be loved ~ Maroon5

Ok, Frankly I think I am tired today about trying so hard to get everything done. I am just going to take it a little easier this week. I mean, I don't think I should stress out so much, although it does seem to be something I am really good at doing.

I did finally finish my project for Intaglio tonight. I actually left at ten, which made me happy. Plus, I have come to a novel concept about my class and it is that not only are we obnoxious but everybody, with the exception of me, is dating somebody. I don't know why I said that but I feel better now that I said it. No, actually I know what it is and it's just that everybody intimidates me and I guess knowing that everybody is in a relationship makes me feel more comfortable with my surroundings. Anyway, I am just thankful to be done with this assignment because now I can move on to a new project.

There are a couple of things that are making me happy this week because (one) my dad called me to talk, (two) I got a song that has beautiful lyrics, (three) I was able to start reading a book that has no relation to homework, (four) I have decided to smell the roses this week, and lastly I am going to see The Travelers Guide To The Galaxy on thursday!!!

Ok, so I know I shouldn't just lift off into the clouds like I want to because I need to make sure that my cold is truly over, and I do have to write a paper. I hate writing these things but I know I need to do it anyway. I may not like the class but I want a good grade (which seems to be a struggle at the moment). I'll start tomorrow, I promise!! I just want what little time left I have tonight to just be fun.

Date:	2005-05-01 09:57
Subject:	Too Much
Security:	Public
Mood:	sick
Music:	Meadowlark ~ Oregon Trail Band

The last two weeks were way too hectic for me and some how I believe that there is no way I can stop myself from working. I want a little fun but I seem to be on power mode at the second.

I don't even know why I am here at the moment.

I should go.

Ok, so I think I should write anything just to avoid from studying right now! I should be panicky and freaking out about tests and presentations but it hasn't hit. The other thing that seems to be bothing me at the moment is today. I slept in which I shouldn't have. Then I couldn't keep up in Step Aerobics (kept on gulping water like there was no tomorrow and gasping for air), I wanted to sit on the grass outside and study but the grass was wet, then there is my sandwich. I keep on looking at it like it's an alien. I don't know if I can eat right now or drink for that matter.

Oh, hell! Even writing right now seems to be a burden. I'm just going to go study.

Date:	2005-04-17 23:16
Subject:	On The Move
Security:	Public
Mood:	busy
Music:	A Thousand Words ~ Savage Garden

I seem to be freakishly organized and scared of this up coming week. I think that basically sums up everything that has been going on this weekend. I am scared because damn it, I have to present again at the end of the week. Personally, I think it's a horrible thing for teachers to put students on the spot in a Public Speaking class because it never makes speaking any easier. The truth is I never really get scared until the day of the test or speech and by then I know I have no choice. I think the problem is that there really isn't anybody in the class I am friends with and nobody who I can relate to when I say all this random stuff to the audience. However, life is hard. I know it and I know I will survive. I always do.

See? Isn't all this logic scaring the crap out of you? It's scaring me!! I just seem to be on this whole trip today but I bet you anything the positive trip will end tomorrow.

As for homework, I should be freaking out but I seem to be taking it rather well. I have a print I have to finish for class on Tuesday, and I have to study for a test on Thursday. Tests, always make me anxious and it will have me on end until I actually take the stupid thing. What is up with that??!! Then there is my speech--I am still working on it. My mother of course, is helping me work it out so I know what to say and not feel so panicked when I actually have to present. History of Egypt well, other than the fact that I seem to be the only one in my group who actually did research on the damn project, I don't know what to say. I did finish the bibliography that we all have to turn it tomorrow (I have to gloat here and say that most of the sources were from me!). I have even managed to clean my room, so everything is organized and ready to go for tomorrow. While watching a movie earlier I managed to clean my fridge, do the dishes, finish a homework assignment, eat, and do weights.

So in other words, I seem to be on top of the world at least for the moment.

In other news, just because I need to mention it some one or something. I am taking up the healthy routine again and with positive attitude. Yeah, freaky ain't it?

The whole weight thing was one of my ideas for improving myself, so is sit ups-since I have figured out how to do it on my own again (I just stick my feet under the couch and do my thing). Then there is the eating healthy thing which means eating veggies every night!! The best part is that I don't seem to be having a craving at all for chocolate, I think it's because I am just tired of seeing all over the place. Caffeine is still a must, I could never give that up!! However, I am still trying to convince myself that I should write down everything I eat. The problem is that it just makes me feel that I really am on a restricted diet and then I don't do anything but binge. Ah, well I guess everything takes work.

Anyway, I should go if I want to get some reading done before I go to sleep.

Date:	2005-04-12 13:15
Subject:	Days of the week
Security:	Public
Mood:	cranky
Music:	It doesn't have to be that way ~ Jim Croce

Sunday: sat in front of the tv and drew for class all day while eating french bread. I cut my self on accident. It didn't hurt and it didn't bleed. I put a band-aid on anyway. I watched a series called, EarthSea. It was pretty good.

Monday: I took my meds plus some other stuff that I used to take and found myself an hour later throwing up in front of the toilet. It was a good thing that I didn't want to eat anything. Actually I think throwing up made me more conscious about eating because I barely ate all day. I felt really good! I went to yoga and actually forced myself to push the limits with stretches, well, I tried most of the time. Afterwords, my body was all achy and sore. The fun part was that every joint in my body snap and creak all day. I came back to my room to one of my roomies and some pest guy crawling on the floor and talking about our ant infestation problem. The Pest guy gave us some honey like killing substance and Angela walked around the room trying to find exactly where they were coming from. The funny part is that everybody has freaked out about the ants except me. I really don't care because I don't leave food out, I wash dishes, take out the trash, or walk around bare footed and screaming about the problem. (ok, I am over exaggerating about the screaming part but you get the point hopefully!)Later, I went to class and tried my hardest to stay awake, I don't know what it is about that class that puts me to sleep because I really do like it! I left the class coming to the conclusion that my group is lame and that I hope that they do something about the assignment.

Around Midnight is when the fun really started happening, I went over to the Intaglio class and found that the most artistic guy was having problems with his wooden relief artwork. There were lots of grunts involved. I joined in on the conversation and found out some pretty interesting things that made me laugh. Of course more people came in and I became less talkative. Eventually I left, feeling really good.

Tuesday: I tried to get up really, I did. However, I went with what my body was telling me and not my head. Logic is hard to deal with at six thirty in the morning. So instead, I slept in. I didn't get up for class, which I should have. I could beat myself up about it but the teacher explained at the beginning of the course, that sometimes life happens and that she wouldn't put it against us if we didn't make it to all of her classes. The best part is that she knows who I am because I always come in early.

I ate today and I am already wishing that I hadn't. Grapes, chocolate milk, rice crispy treats, soup and crackers. Yeah, dieting is really working for me! The funny part is that everybody says don't beat yourself up about it, but how can you stop? The other fun part is that all my friends, keep on telling me that I shouldn't have to lose weight and that I look great however, their comments don't seem to be doing me any good because they can afford to say that. All of them, all of my friends, are thin and skinny. Well, for the most part. Anyway, the point is that they can carry weight and still look good where as when I carry weight I look like a balloon. Even my boobs get bigger!! Arg!!!!

Date:	2005-04-08 14:39
Subject:	later mi amigos!
Security:	Public
Mood:	cheerful
Music:	Your the only one for me ~ Allure

I am so freaking positive right now it's scary!!! Yeah, I know it won't last for very long but I am going with it until it ends. The reason is because I did my presentation in class today which did have me nervous as hell but it might also be because the world just doesn't look that bad today. The bright sky, the wind, and the pink flowering trees right outside might have some effect on me too. Yeah, I bet that is it!

I don't know what was wrong with me this week but it was like I was on edge about something because my room mate was bugging the hell out of me, homework was unbarable, cleaning was the last thing I wanted to do, and trying to relax was just making me feel stupid.

Anyway, I definetly feel better now and hopefully, the rest of the day with my aunt will lift my spirits up even more.

I guess, I'll have to talk more later.

Date:	2005-04-06 10:41
Subject:	Freakish
Security:	Public
Mood:	grumpy
Music:	Yesterday ~ The Beatles

I don't want to present. I don't want to present. I don't want to present!!!!!!

Ok, maybe saying it three times will make me feel better about presenting a speech to the class, or at least make the teacher sick. No then I would just have to do it later. Damn it!!!

So I have a speech and you say so what? It's a big deal to me. I hate speaking. Speaking bad!!

I have to talk about of all things Love and how it relates to myself. It's one of those, let everybody in the class get to know who you are things. Arg!!! Can't we just skip to the persuasive speeches which makes everybody feel uncomfortable.

I admit it, I don't want to talk about love and I most certainly don't want to talk about myself. There are just too many complications.

I am an ever expanding person and I think if I get up in front of people not only will they see the rolls of fat that hang off me but they will hear my lisp and monotone voice. Then there is the owl eyes, and the hair that makes me feel like a walking talking cocker spaniel (and I don't particularly care for those dogs, bad experience). I can barely breath at the moment as it is and I really do feel right now that I need to do fifty sit ups and push ups (if I can manage it)to try to get rid of this disgusting gut which will one day consume me.

Yeah, I know I am being negative again. Boo hoo, I'm beginning to think that the only thing that gets me up in the morning is my classes and the fact that I get to be sarcastic yet again. Ok, enough of this. I'm going to go freak out again. I'll be back later!

Date:	2005-03-28 18:05
Subject:	what hurts me the most
Security:	Public
Mood:	nervous
Music:	Act Naturally ~ Ringo Starr

I seem to be in a predicament. Yeah, and on the first day of class.

Ok, so here is the issue: I got my grades back and for the most part I felt like jumping for joy. In fact, I was tempted to find all my teachers and give them big hugs. The bad grade was art history, I bitched about it enough last term on here, so by now you should know. Well, supposedly I have failed the class which has me extremely upset. My parents response to the grade was talk to the teacher because it isn't possible for me to fail a class if I got a B on the mid term. My Aunt says the same thing, my friends go both ways on the subject, and finally after class today I was talking to my note taker (who also took the class) who failed her test (supposedly, she didn't say it but she implied it). My new teacher, McCumsy, said the same thing the funny part is that both my note taker and I turned and at the same time said, "She scares the shit out of me!"

So what do you do if your a fumbling idiot when your nervous and have to talk to a teacher that scares the hell out of you?

I suppose I will have to do it. It's about time that I hear those magical words of,"You suck" from a teacher although it would be better if I had somebody else to do the job for me, in fact it would be even better if I could convince somebody else to go with me.

I guess I just have this idea that my teachers would like me better if I was quiet, studious, and friendly (ok, well two out of three isn't bad). I don't want her seeing me as a incoherent little piece of shit and that's what I am afraid will happen. Well, I suppose I should just bite the bullet and set up the appointment.

Date:	2005-03-27 20:37
Subject:	Early Spring
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative
Music:	Bother ~ Corey Taylor / This love ~ Craig Armstrong

I've been gone for a week, supposedly relaxing. Well, it worked--sort of. I stopped worrying about classes and instead chose to worry about friends instead. Wow what a big change for me!! Anyway, I mostly spent my nights hanging out with friends, unfortunately there were no late night let's go out and get drunk urges. Oh, well. Actually, it was pretty good. Sometimes I felt a little awkward because I either didn't know what to say or I was afraid to tell my friends how I really felt, but I easily side stepped my feelings by saying that I was just tired and glad to be back. Which was true. During the day I mostly cleaned my mother's house because I know she loves coming back to a semi cleaner house. So I seemed to make a lot of peoples days a little bit brighter. I, um, with the help of my mother cleaned the entire house (well, that depends on how you define clean) friday and saturday for a stupendous party we had saturday night.

We had intended (with the help of my grandmother) to celebrate St. Patrick's and the Easter Holidays. My Grandmother wanted cute while my mother argued for the better sake of a sophisticated meal, I just wanted to have fun. So in the end we went with elegant. Our tiny little house looked like a masterpiece when we were done with it. Two long tables with equally exquisite table clothes (red and white) and an hors'derve table. Goblets, white dishes, gold silverware, white napkins, two candles on the tables, a center piece (which consisted of my mother's red and gold bowls filled to the top with eggs and dove chocolate. There were probably over forty eight brown and white eggs on the tables), and both tables had white and red wine.

For my mother's sake the appetizers mostly consisted of several types of cheeses (her favorite food in the world), an assortment of crackers, bread with a vegetable dip, bite size breaded artichoke sweets, baked brie (my Grandmother's specialty), salmon (three kinds), and I think that was it.

Dinner was served in sections (I started drinking Mike's during appetizers) and so my dish was made and served by me first. It was a St. Patrick's soup called "Wearing the Green." I was happily rewarded with comments like, "This is a fabulous soup!" I proceeded to tell everybody it was a vegetable and cheese based soup, which shocked lots of people. Anyway, next up was my mother's fabulous salad creations because my mother truly has a talent for making all types of people lusting to know how she does it (don't ask me why). At this point I had moved on from Mikes to white wine.

Then our main dish being a German dish of chicken breaded with mushrooms in a wine based sauce (Which I have always loved) and a my Grandmother's potatoes. They are also breaded, don't ask me how this is done because I shouldn't give that away but the potatoes look like pancakes and are soft like butter on the inside. There was also olive bread and a rich wheat bread passed around the table. Plus, the eggs and the dove candy in the center of the table was also fair game.

So after eating we sat around while my mother told embarrassing stories about my Aunt, my sister and I. I am still able to blush at the stories she tells. I was actually thinking about how hot it was in the room and attempted to leave several times, I never made it outside.

Desert, was my mother's specialty. She made Lemon verbana shortbread (I don't care for sort bread but I couldn't manage to stay away from it) and there was a fruit dish, the sauce again was a rich wine base. Guy had bought a honey mead and filled wine glasses. I spent most of my time eating the shortbread, chocolate and drinking mead. I was a little warm and fuzzy when my friend came over to visit me. We talked and I gave Brynn her birthday present. I was so happy to find out that she loved it! Brynn had to leave early to visit with her boyfriend's sister so I walked her out to her car. It was cold and raining outside but it felt so great to be outside in the open. I felt released.

I got all giddy talking to her outside that we started acting like kids and in the middle of the street we played childish games. Spinning around until we were both dizzy, slapping each other's hands, and hugging each other. It was fun. Eventually she left and I went inside. Most of the party decided to break up at that point and food was divvied up for those who wanted to take some home. I was lusting for another Mike's.

Anyway, I ended up outside on the deck with my aunt telling stories that I promised never to repeat. Something about drinking, getting high and having sex in one night. I showed my aunt my new pictures my mother gave me and watched her drool. Around one am, I pulled out the hid-away bed and everybody else went upstairs. That was pretty much it.

I am really surprised at myself right now, because not once tonight while writing this entry I didn't talk about all the agonies that my mother and I went through to put this meal on for everybody. I still want to mention this morning because I just really want to right now, I seem to be on this writing binge right now. So. . .

I woke up to the males in the house the next morning talking loudly in the kitchen and found them drinking coffee, eating bagels and talking politics. I won't go into it but it was nice to hear people were doing friendly banter about the serious stuff for once. I did go back to bed but woke up the next time as my aunt encouraged her dog (Loco) to jump up on the bed with me. So I got up. I got in to eat breakfast, steal the comics and listen to my family talk about Terri Schiavo. I did add it comments every once it a while but then topic shifted and we went on to the pleasant idea of passing out easter gifts. It was nice.

After that everybody packed up to leave, including myself. I hugged my mother at the door and told her I wish I had more time to spend with her and I meant it. It sort of hit me after I said it just how much I missed just spending time with both Mom and Guy. Of course, I missed the animals, I always do. But hopefully I can handle going back to school again.

Date:	2005-03-15 23:01
Subject:	Don't talk to me for a while
Security:	Public
Mood:	exanimate
Music:	World on Fire ~ Sarah McLaughlan

I don't know what to do right now. I don't know if I should laugh, cry, throw something or commit suicide. It's just that I have been studying, studying for this test all week with out a study guide and going on gut instinct. What do I get for my efforts?

I get to go and take a test at eight pm (I was there at seven studying) and I find myself staring at the test blankly as the teacher says we have a limited time on each section. I was scared shit less because half of the stuff that was on the test wasn't what I studied. I studied vocabulary, I studied time periods, I recognized works of art, and artists from all over. Barely any of it was on the test. What upset me the most was that she had us do a essay on architecture that we barely even covered in class (we had thirty five minutes to write on it) and I didn't know what to say. I just couldn't stop looking at the paper and feeling incredibly stupid. I hate tests! I hate feeling stupid!!

I HATE FEELING STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The worst part was when I turned in my test and she said, "You were writing awfully fast. . ." She didn't even know the half of it.

I studied all week for this class, I thought I would do a decent job on the test-- I just feel incredibly stupid. I hate this!

Date:	2005-03-13 16:31
Subject:	Study bitch, study!
Security:	Public
Mood:	worried
Music:	What Do you Need ~ Goo Goo Dolls

So the week is over and starting yet again. I already feel like stabbing something in some part of my anatomy. Drugs, nada. Sleep, plenty--and then some. I still feel tired. Eating, I feel like a blimp--I ate three bowls of rice for lunch. Studying on the other hand seems to be something I can't seem to get a handle on.

My teacher still lacks the ability to actually give me a study guide but this time around she let us have a 3x5 note card. I think the best part of her telling us that we had this card was hearing some random person ask during the middle of class: "Can we use both sides?" I almost laughed out loud.

Anyway, I have sort of been studying for two days and I am still at a loss. I am not sure if I am studying the right stuff or even retaining the information that I have. I really want to do good but at the same time all my feeling about learning in this class has left me. I just want to go home and the worst part is that these days seems to take forever to get through. So I have been kinda distracted a lot this weekend. There is a Jim Carey Marathon on tv so I keep on getting on and watching odd and a sorted stuff like The Mask, Ace Ventura Pet Detective, Dumb and Dumber, and the Truman Show. My studying attempt sucks!!

Date:	2005-03-10 23:33
Subject:	Thursday sleepy night
Security:	Public
Mood:	disappointed
Music:	Better Life ~ Keith Urban

So----yeah.

I'm tired. I think that says it all.

The good news is that I got all my art finals done and out of the way. I should be woohooing but I think the woohooing is done, gone and over with. I did feel like a complete and total ass while I presented my art work for drawing class. I think it's because I felt intimidated like hell. One of the reasons being everybody else was there, then there is the fact that I got to see everybody elses art work, and the fact that I had to actually talk. I think I just wanted to turn in my work and get out of class. I do admit that once I started talking it was like I wanted to get chummy with everybody. I don't know why but I felt like I also got along really well with all the guys in the class today, there must be something wrong with me!

So anyway, the day is over and I haven't done any homework tonight. I just died on our couch (I think my room mates wonder if there is something seriously wrong with me but who cares!) and I stayed there all night. I have to start studing again tomorrow. *sigh* I don't want to.

Anyway, sleep is a calling, so off I go.

Date:	2005-03-07 18:51
Subject:	Dead week
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed
Music:	Don't Fear the Reaper ~ Blue Oyster Cult

Ok, to sum it up--this is senseless reading. Pass it by while you still have the chance.


Anyway, I should be painting but lately I seem to be having problems expressing myself when there are other people in the studio at the same time as me. So I go when I know that nobody will be around. Mostly that means weekends and week days at five or nine am. I like it because it means that I can sing, I can eat, and I can dance in my studio room without bothering anybody. I'm insanely weird and I like to do this, just don't tell anybody my secret to art.

Anyway, I have also been extremely tired lately. I should be still hitting myself over the head because I should be trying to get my drugs so I won't be so depressed (more so at night) but I just don't have the time right now. I just hope that I will make it through finals ok. On that note, I really wanted to go home this weekend. It was really sweet actually, Guy called me the other day and said that he was going to be in Corvallis so he could pick me up and take me home for the weekend. I unfortunately told him that I couldn't go home. I had my painting and then there was my promise to see a friend's play about some contemporary artist named Bas. It put me to sleep at the end but it was still nice to see it and everybody did a good job. The student teacher in my painting class was in it, I think her name is Kate. Anyway, I told her that she did a good job. But, back to the point.

So I think I got a couple of things done but the job is far from done. I still have more drawings to work on, my painting to finish, pictures to take, papers to write and tests to study for. I even was good enough to remember that it was Brynn's birthday today and I called her to wish her a happy twenty first. It's to bad that I am not there to drink to her happiness but I am sure she is very happy, plus the next time we get together we can both go out and drink legally. So here is to Brynn's very happy birthday!!

Date:	2005-03-03 10:41
Subject:	Gloom
Security:	Public
Mood:	cold
Music:	Blurry ~ Puddle of Mudd

Sometimes I wonder why I don't update but most often I wonder why I update.--Honestly, I don't know what to say. I think there is too much I should be doing and too much I haven't done yet. So I am trying to make this brief--I'll talk more later when my feeling are better sorted.